Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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