nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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