At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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