The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
