I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
