I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
