the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
