Can i not drive my cunt home
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
