I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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