one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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