3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
