Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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