I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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