highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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