I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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