Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
