He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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