I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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