I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
