her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
