Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
