If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
