You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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