I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
