i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sext me about skeletons
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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