Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
