Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
