there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
