Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
