I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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