I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
