It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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