dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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