did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
