Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
