Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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