Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
