We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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