OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
