im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
