Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
