Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
