My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
