I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
