he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
