happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
