i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
