I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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