We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
