Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
