who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
