dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
